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This newsletter about how I have been walking deeper into what true Love looks like is quite timely considering today... 💌
As always, prayers and praises are at the bottom! So thankful for your continued support.
I have recently been asking God why I love the people around me; I've needed to ask Him why, to re-surrender these relationships. This story from this past week is what has taught me this lesson more deeply:
Something shifted with my non believing friends at school, and the more I process it, the more I'm realizing that even though our worldviews are different, their hearts were soft and open at the beginning of the school year, and we could have honest discussions. Now that there are others that have come into the group that have caused a very evident spiritual shift; there's a disconnect and my heart hurts. I feel like I’m grasping and flailing and being annoying (I’m not. But I’m overthinking all my little actions; please pray for my thoughts). The past two weeks I’ve been nervous but continued stepping forward, wanting to change my heart and not be anxious or paranoid.
I went and sat by the Isère (the river that flows through Grenoble) this past Monday to eat my lunch before going into a coffeeshop to read for my thesis. I was listening to Jess Ray's new album and watching the water become glassy and create bubbles and patches of texture and smooth patterns.
A lot of her songs have these lines that are so poignant and perfect for the moment, especially when feeling insecure:
“Come and rest, don’t waste today being scared of tomorrow.”
“There’s a place here at the table, nobody’s gonna take your seat, so you can come and go as much as you need, be yourself and be at peace.”
I started praying for my friends, for my school friends and my fears and hurts with them, but also just praising God for my other friends, the joy and beauty they bring to my life.
I questioned and asked the Lord for wisdom and insight on how to handle this situation right now, to give me guidance in the moments, to change my heart, to find my source of love in Him alone. I asked Him to search my heart, to see what motivated me to love my school friends — is it so they can love me back?
Am I loving them selfishly, gripping our relationship by the shoulders, squeezing it in my hands? Yes, I am. A bit. Because once I felt a slight sense of rejection, a bit of “hmm… I don’t think I’m included”, I immediately became paranoid and wanted to fix it. I wanted to try to make them remember me, love me, don’t reject me, don’t leave me. But I’m thankful that I have experienced this before and know that, if you try to force someone to love you, they’ll feel trapped. Jesus doesn’t force us to love him. That’s the beauty, it’s a free choice.
After about 45 minutes I walked to a coffeeshop, ordered, sat down by the window, started to read, then started to watch. I love seeing all the people pass by, and I felt a sudden, “God loves all these people. A lot of them, most of them, don’t even know it.” And it clicked — God loves my school friends. He loves them. He’s loved them before me, He will keep loving them, and He will keep loving me. I can hold our friendship loosely and with freedom, knowing that I have given all I am and all I will ever be to Jesus. I can sit amongst friends, enemies, kings, beggars, train conductors, truck drivers, CEOs and football players knowing that only God says who I am. I can be free knowing nothing I ever do will separate me from Love.
As I continue growing in what a life of ministry looks like, I continue to surrender all I know of myself to all I know of God, to be honest and vulnerable with Him, asking Him to guide my emotions and thoughts, to guide my understanding of love so that it can be pure and free. The Love that I am coming to know is such a joyful gift, a gift that multiplies when shared.
A few other thoughts...
The need for christian community: at my house group this week, I re-realized how vital it is to have Christian community. (There's a lot of re-learning and realizing things right now.) It was so encouraging to be surrounded by believers who are so open and honest with their lives and faith walk. We talked about the tabernacle and the holiness that surrounded it.
Also, this is all in French, which speaking of, I feel like I have progressed and regressed. Such is the life of learning a language — been trying to give myself a lot of grace! As I’ve said before, I find that my comprehension and speaking levels depend on how "safe" I feel with the person with whom I'm talking. It’s interesting to think about how that interacts with how we go about the rest of our lives: how can we be comfortable and confident in all areas?
A quick CS Lewis thought on Christian community that I read the other day while researching for my thesis:
"The one really adequate instrument for learning about God is the whole Christian community, waiting for Him together. Christian brotherhood is, so to speak, the technical equipment for this science — the laboratory outfit."
In ministry news: it’s been so wonderful to become closer friends with an Alaskan who has moved here to work with Younglife! Hearing her stories of God's provision, both financially, logistically and spiritually, has filled my heart. What a blessing it is to share stories of God's hope and provision. It’s been so cool to hear how God is using her to work in the lives of young people here, to see the hundreds of texts she gets from highschoolers looking for love and a listening ear, to see her and her coworker’s vision for the future of the ministry here.
One book that has influenced this newsletter is Till We Have Faces by CS Lewis. Its a hefty book, but well worth the read. It dives into possessive, jealous love, and how it is only God who can love jealously.
Prayers:
Praying about future possibilities as far as part time ministry work - reach out to me if you would like more information about how you can be praying for me as there are some big decisions coming up.
My non believing friends at school; that the Lord would continue to break my heart for them while also protecting me/healing me, as I have been hurt.
Newcomers to the FEU ministry - reach out to me if you would like their names!
Praises:
God's continued blessings in friendships through church and the ministry
A sweet, easy, fun, roommate
Ballet! I'm able to take a ballet class with school and its been a something I look forward to every week. There are only two classes, beginner and advanced, and I'm able to take both.
Mountains to explore
The Lord supporting me and continuing to bless me and provide for my every need
