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Hello all! I apologize for no December update: I was a bit burnt out after writing many essays for final exams.
I had a lovely Christmas in England with a friend I met at Wind River Ranch and other missionaries from her organization. It was so lovely and also very encouraging to be surrounded by others who were also adjusting to new cultures and what it looks like to share the gospel all across the world. And then, I wasn't planning on going home this winter, but, as I was struggling with returning to France this summer, my mom said, "Would it help you leave for France if you knew you were coming back home in December?" And so, I was able to go home! It was a great gift to see my family and friends and be in the mountains.
I have been back in France for a little over a week, (it feels like 5 weeks already), and it was a bit of a rough landing, mainly because of school. I was so thankful and excited to come back to such a sweet community of friends, a warm home, and more ministry opportunities.
But... I slept through my first class of the year (oops), mainly because I was so anxious the night before that I did not sleep well. This anxiety is less the result of me wondering how I am going to perform in school, and more the stress of constant frustration and confusion. I continue asking God to change my perspective and attitude towards school because I know its such a great opportunity to not only continue learning academically, but also to continue meeting other students while gaining an understanding of what the system looks like here, (as well as getting me a visa.)
Before I left for the Christmas break, I was really struggling with the "why" of moving to France. God why would you ask me to move here only to spend so much time in class and doing schoolwork? Why am I using my finances this way, am I actually being wise? Am I even "doing" ministry here? And so on... you can see where these types of questions can spiral.
I think I will always have a tendency to ask God “why.” I have always been a curious person, wondering how things work, why they work that way, etc, (prime example: the metro in Paris: it confuses me and I would love to just spend a day with a train driver figuring out how it all works.)
I don’t think it’s bad to ask why, but I think where I have been falling into sin is how I approach my “why”: with fear. I think God loves it when we come to Him with questions, we just have to trust Him enough to be ok with any response, even if, for the moment, it’s no response.
I’ve lived a lot of my life in fear. I’ve spent a lot of time stressing about something or overthinking each step, believing that this will somehow change the outcome, will somehow give me an ounce of control.
But if I could make a timeline of how the Lord has healed me, it would be such a huge testament to who He is: I think first of how in high school I used to be so afraid of what others thought, to the point where I hated any social interaction. It was truly draining and such a burden to go to youth groups or social gatherings. When I began to give God my heart, He gave me the room and space to see how liberating it was to love people freely.
And now that I am living in a different country, fearful of where money will come from, what I should do this summer, how I should approach school, how to be involved in ministry without burning out… I realize how many rocks I’m putting in my backpack. God has given me a gift of insight, but not of overthinking. He has equipped me with everything I need — and He has shown time and again how He will take care of me.
I wrote these two notes that I hung next to my mirror where I get ready everyday, both with the aim to reorient my fearful thoughts. The prayer that I want to center me daily is that I would do everything in love: whether thats buying groceries or doing the dishes or speaking with new students at outreach nights. I want everything I do to be out of the knowledge that I am already so deeply loved and cared for by the Creator and King who is in control of all, that I can trust Him for the daily bread.
My other prayer for this semester is that I would not cower from the gospel, that in this desire to do everything in love, I would share the story of true love. On the plane back to France, I had a "zoomed out" moment where I was sitting in Heathrow Airport, watching the people around me scurry about, wondering what the heck I was doing going back to France — what in the world am I doing??
I stepped into this semester with a lot of fear. I am still shaking off the fear. But I don’t want my life to be dictated by something from which I have already been freed. The Lord has made it evident in his provision: community and housing and a visa, as well as in my heart, that He wants me here.
"...and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing."
1 Corinthians 13:2-3
Prayer Requests:
Ministry:
My anxiety - that yes, I would not live and make decisions out of fear, but that I would also find healthy rhythms as far as finances and food
School - that I would find the time to do what I need to in order to pass. I have a 30 page memoire (thesis) due in April - so not too long, but still don't have many ideas collected. I also have to do an internship this semester and it is the biggest waste of time. What are we supposed to do when we have things that really do waste our time?